I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
