i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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