She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
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Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
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Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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