my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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