Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
