Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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