I will die if light touches me.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
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She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
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I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I was not drunk enough for that final.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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