Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
