I queefed so loud it echoed.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
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Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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