You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
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So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
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ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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