Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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