She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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