When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again