my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
