My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
