Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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