I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
