I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
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