Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
