Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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