Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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