Did I show you my penis last night?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
