somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
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cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
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Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music