My cat gives me a boner
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES