I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
These 23 People Had Coworkers From Hell
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.