Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit