if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra