well I can't set my house on fire every night
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
21 Distraught People Found Out They Had An STD
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me