Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I deserve this hangover.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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