if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
