so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I cockslap morals
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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