I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
