Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
