I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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