i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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