What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
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You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
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You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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