just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
