i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Even my vagina gasped.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
