i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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