woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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