Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
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Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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