i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
my being single is dangerous.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
