Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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