I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize