we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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