He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
