I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
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Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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