GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
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He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
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YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
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