I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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