What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
