it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
