Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
