You really coming over, don't trick.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
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Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
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Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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