I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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